the root of the issue

Warning: This post will be full of great quotes, because that is where I turn when I'm feeling down or lost. This week there was another crash on the rollercoaster of a journey that I'm on. I was on a high from visiting great friends and my soul felt well-nourished because of those visits. But I was also happy to come home to my own bed and my Mitzi doggie.

But, similarly to what I went through three years ago, I had a rude awakening later in the week.

First let me start by telling you that three years ago, my husband and I were still settling into our new home in Seattle, my job was eliminated (because the product I was working on failed) and he was unemployed... so let's just say I had some time to get all of the appointments in that I was too busy to take care of since we'd moved.

One of these visits was the dentist, and I remember vividly walking out of the dentist's office, getting into my car, driving less than a mile and pulling over to call my mom, crying. My dentist had explained to me that my open bite was an issue that needed to be corrected, and I would be needing braces. Shortly after that, when visiting the orthodontist, I found out I needed jaw surgery, and I'll get into the rest of this story in a future post.

But three years ago, in the spring, I received bad news that made me feel like I couldn't take any more. And the treatment that I needed wasn't over until this past December.

Earlier this week, I went for a regular dental check-up and asked the dentist if he could take a look at a few of my teeth that I thought seemed a little darker than the rest. With one glance he knew, and his look of pity told me that I was in for more bad news. Without jumping to any conclusions, he did a couple of tests and then sympathetically broke the news to me. (And sorry if this is TMI.) One of my nerves was damaged during the trauma of my surgery. This was a risk that I had been warned of and I knew that it would lead to numbness or altered sensation in my chin or lip, which I have had since the surgery and have been waiting to get better. Because of the dead nerve, I have no sensation in 3 of my teeth and they are starting to turn grey. Awesome. Three years and many thousands of dollars later, my perfect smile lasted all of 4 months.

I'm sad. And I'm angry. I seriously feel like I deserve a break. I can't take any more complications or issues. As I drove away from the dentist, I had a deja vu as I called my mom again with more bad news.

I read this quote and it totally made sense to me: “Anger always comes from frustrated expectations.” - Elliott Larson

Pretty much dead on. My expectation was that this was all over and I could finally move on with my life with my perfect smile and a slightly numb spot on my chin.

But no. That's not what the universe has in store for me right now. It does feel a bit like I'm being tested; for what I have no idea. But I'm tired. I'm exhausted and worn down, and in my semi-retirement I should have nothing that would be wearing me down.

“When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.” -Thomas Jefferson

I'm hanging on. I'm turning to my family and friends for moral support. I'm getting a root canal - actually three root canals - next week. I'm going to pay a ton of money (from a bank account that no longer has money flowing into it) and have those three teeth cleaned out and bleached. And HOPEFULLY this will all be over after that.

“Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.” -Joan Kerr

I feel crappy. And sad. And angry. And worn out. But I know that these feelings will fade and become memories of the past, just like the events and feelings from three years ago are now. I'll do what's in my control to fix the situation, and then just deal with it.

Because things will get better. The thing about a rollercoaster is that it goes back up after those dramatic drops, dips and turns. And while I'd rather be more stable, I'm glad that I at least have balance. And I haven't forgotten that I have a lot to be happy about right now too. As the weather is improving, Mitzi and I are playing and cuddling, and my passion for mosaic art is developing, I will do my best to focus on those reasons to smile.

“Life always waits for some crisis to occur before revealing itself at its most brilliant.”- Paolo Coelho