raspberry croissant
This morning was a bit of a different story. I woke up feeling sad, let down, and just plain mopey. I used to have difficulty allowing myself to give in to what I considered to be "bad" feelings. I wanted to be happy and nothing else. After all, being happy is what we're all aiming for right? Therefore feeling happy = success? But it has been taught to me that if I want to feel anything, then all of my feelings get a seat at the table. Beating myself up for feeling sad, or angry or any other "bad" feeling will only add significance to that feeling, and make it stick around even longer. And by being critical and judgmental of myself for having these feelings, I start a spiral of self-disappointment. Disappointment for having those feelings, and then disappointment for being disappointed, and it goes on and on. I've learned that by allowing myself to feel the way I feel, without self-judgement, I seem to have an easier time getting through it.
It didn't work out. After getting this news, I did my best to distract myself for the rest of the day at the mosaic studio and with friends and honestly I felt okay.
In the spirit of not only sharing my highlight reel, but bringing you along for the entire journey, here goes...
This morning was a bit of a different story. I woke up feeling sad, let down, and just plain mopey. I used to have difficulty allowing myself to give in to what I considered to be "bad" feelings. I wanted to be happy and nothing else. After all, being happy is what we're all aiming for right? Therefore feeling happy = success? But it has been taught to me that if I want to feel anything, then all of my feelings get a seat at the table. Beating myself up for feeling sad, or angry or any other "bad" feeling will only add significance to that feeling, and make it stick around even longer. And by being critical and judgemental of myself for having these feelings, I start a spiral of self-disappointment. Disappointment for having those feelings, and then disappointment for being disappointed, and it goes on and on. I've learned that by allowing myself to feel the way I feel, without self-judgement, I seem to have an easier time getting through it.
Today I am sad. I am mourning the loss of a might-have-been. I am feeling lost and directionless with a dream having been taken from me. And while I stayed in bed for longer than usual this morning, I thought about one of the quotes I have found in my quote collecting:
"If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is." -Unknown
In the spirit of enjoying what "is" and living in the present, I got out of bed, grabbed Mitzi's leash and we repeated the walk that we made on my first day of freedom: on a mission for a raspberry croissant.
Last night, a friend made a comment about being surrounded by "Eeyore"s at work (you know, the gloomy little donkey from Winnie the Pooh who loses his tail) This analogy made me laugh, but it also resonated with me, so I looked up some of the lines his character has said. Here's one I liked (and extra bonus, it has to do with swimming and diving!):
"When stuck in the river, it is best to dive and swim to the bank yourself before someone drops a large stone on your chest in an attempt to hoosh you there." - Eeyore's Gloomy Little Instruction Book
We set out on our walk and I noticed that while it was nice to be out walking, it was also cold and cloudy, not like the day before when it was so sunny and beautiful. But wait...that kind of attitude would make me an "Eeyore" too! I needed to figure out how to take back control and swim myself to the bank. So, before someone dropped a large stone on my chest in an attempt to "hoosh" me (whatever that might mean), I decided to see what I could make of this gloomy day I was having.
We got to the bakery and, lucky me, this time they were actually open. I went inside and even though the Eeyore voice in my head was saying "they probably don't have any raspberry croissants today...oh bother" they did have them. But these didn't look like raspberry croissants to me. More like a danish made with croissant pastry dough. (Don't be an Eeyore, don't be an Eeyore...) This little croissant had already been built up so much in my head, so I had to have one.
Even though it was not what I was expecting, it was pretty yummy. And you know what? Even better than the croissant itself, was the greeting I got when I walked back outside.
My lesson learned today is that sometimes things won't turn out the way I had hoped or expected. And while it can be disappointing for situations not to go the way I wanted, I need to remain open and optimistic, because that is exactly when I might unexpectedly find something that makes me smile.