Off Balance
Those of you who are my friends on social media will already know that I am taking a break due to a painful life circumstance that I am currently trying to navigate my way through. The same is unfortunately going to be true of this brand new, exciting new website of mine. I will be putting The Pieceful Life on hold to focus on taking care of myself and my boys, and channel my energy in other more urgent directions for the time being.
In my last post, the launch of The Pieceful Life blog, I spoke about how throughout my self-discovery journey over the past several years, I felt scattered. I worked very hard at integrating my many selves into one whole. That is the very definition of integrity. (Actually, there are 2 definitions.)
in·teg·ri·ty
/inˈteɡrədē/ noun 1. the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.
synonyms: honesty, uprightness, honor, honorableness, upstandingness, good character, principle(s), ethics, morals, righteousness, morality, nobility, right-mindedness, virtue, decency, fairness, sincerity, truthfulness, trustworthiness 2. the state of being whole and undivided. synonyms: unity, unification, wholeness, coherence, cohesion, undividedness, togetherness, solidarity
When someone you love has been living without integrity, without authenticity and honesty, it is hard not to feel like your entire life with them was a lie. But my journey has been real. My growth has been real. My intentions have been real. My love is real.
I am not in control of how someone else behaves and the choices they make. But I am in control of how I handle myself through the adversity caused by those choices.
I am a person who is usually very open about my struggles and stories. Privacy is not typically my default. I am usually transparent. I get relief and support by being open to those around me. I am comforted by knowing that sharing my struggles may help others who may otherwise feel alone. Writing out my experiences and feelings helps integrate both parts of my brain so I can process and learn from those experiences. I will continue to write; in a private journal. And I hope that you will respect that at this time, being public and transparent is not the way I am choosing to be.
Today is the first day since the traumatic events began to unfold where I managed to be a version of my regular self. I showered and got dressed. I went to work. I even managed to go to a yoga class over lunch. And while I was in that class, I realized how incredibly strong I am. With very little food and over a week of poor sleep, with emotions threatening to burst and the ambiguity of my current life swirling around me, I was still able to move deliberately with flow. I was able to stand strong and grounded. I was able to tune into my body and higher self. I was able to balance during some very difficult poses (maybe even better than usual!) It amazed me that I was able to be so stable when everything around me feels off balance. And I was able to stop when I felt lightheaded and allow myself to rest. I was able to nurture myself when it was too much. Obviously I didn't plan for this crisis, but I have been preparing myself for it. And I will come out of this even stronger than before.
Thank you for respecting my privacy during this difficult time and sending me all the positive vibes you can conjure up. I appreciate all of the supportive messages I have already been receiving and know that I am surrounded by people who love me. Thanks for giving me the space to grieve, process and heal.
As I recalled in my most recent post:
"Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along." - Rae Smith
My life, as I knew it, has fallen apart. But I will dive into my soul. I will ride the waves. I will put together the broken pieces. And I will make something beautiful of it.
Time to rebuild.
